i'm backsliding in everything. and worse of all, my faith. after DJW, i told lianne ," i think i'm backsliding," then say say say some stuff halfway i started crying. maybe i felt guilty and cried. maybe i felt sad and cried. crying in school is not my usual self and it's not my way of seeking attention, it just comes out of me. i don't even want so much attention. but just want to let my friends know that on somedays it's not the REAL me you are seeing but it's just a mask strapped over my face. a smile is just a frown turned upside down. but i am backsliding. i feel no purpose in my faith anymore, i no longer read the Bible everyday, and if i do, it's more routine than conviction. i don't pray everyday. if i do i'll fall asleep halfway. i don't even pray seriously in church. somehow being a Christian no longer bears any meaning to me. somehow things aren't the way they seem ANYMORE. i lost all purpose in life. i only chase and lust after materialistic and earthly stuffs and possesions. things aren't the way they seem anymore. swear words are coming out more easily than before out of my mouth. life is worthless to me, for now.
but then, i still have true christian friends that stick by and help me. like lianne, who lent me her shoulders (and tummy!) to cry on and to hug on for support and for me to pour out everything to her.(: and to jaime for encouraging me and offering to pray for me.(: thanks guys, i REALLY REALLY appreciate it but somehow i still don't feel the same. maybe i should ask john for advice. or shifu. or just God. i really love you lianne and jaime, although you guys don't visit this but i want to thank you. (:.
Wait Outside
Date Created: 160208
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