Mood: Thoughtful :) Music: Embrace - Can't Come Down (OMG THIS SONG IS SO SO SO GOOD)
Okay the year is drawing to a close now...and thinking back, I'm glad the year is coming to a close, but I'm also apprehensive about what next year will bring. I mean, yes I'm thankful that the new year is coming, and I can start my life afresh and all. But yet it's going to be the O levels, and frankly I don't know how I'm going to sit for my most major exam (but as Homer will put it,"Your must major exam so far" haha) in this pathetic state heh. And everyone knows it can't possible to not be stressful when it's your O level year hurhur. And because they always ask you reflect and evaluate in order to improve, I will do just that, on different aspects of my life. So if you're interested (because you're stalker/busybody who has nothing better to do or you're truly my friend and want to know how I've been doing/you want to pray for me etc) then carry on. If not, you can always click the red 'X' button.
[Academic aspect] By far my worst performance in my entire schooling life, I almost killed myself by doing so atrociously and becoming this close *pinches fingers to leave a 1mm gap) to getting retained. Okay it wasn't that bad, but definitely way worse than my own expectations. Then again I did so badly the whole year I wasn't expecting much for my EYOS heh. And I know that if I really committed myself to my studies, I would've done much better than that. But the thing is, am I willing? That's what I keep asking myself. Am I willing to give up making friends, give up blogging consistently, give up late night phone chats? I honestly don't know :( BUT because my entire future is at stake, I have no choice :(
So academically, definitely a failure and I hope I do better next year because honestly, and no offense seriously, I don't want to end up in JJ or some crap JC or some crap rubbish dump poly course - which is exactly what I'll be doing with my mediocre grades :(
[Spiritual aspect] So, I haven't been attending the last two SU camps and I don't feel sorry at all. And selfishly speaking, I don't think it has affected my spiritual life and I don't think I'll attend anymore. I mean like..okay you go, you get a spiritual high, you make new friends. But how long does that high last? See? It doesn't last long.
I did my QT more consistently than last year, though the duration isn't really much to be proud of haha. Though now I try to make it an effort to record down verses that strike me into my phone so I will read them and I can encourage people :) I drifted away from God for a while, but came back after some guidance so yeah, I'm really grateful for that. AMEN!
I mean it's not like I won't/don't believe God is the creator and Savior and He's the real God and all, it's just how much does He mean to US? We say we believe Him, but do we LOVE him? Do we honour him in our actions, thoughts, words? Would we rather revel in things of the world, and spend time with people and friends, than to spend time with Him in a room, or in a church, getting to know Him? And that's what I find so hard :(
We say He's THE saviour, but is He our savior? If we say so, then why do we find it so hard to be eternally grateful to our Saviour? And everyone knows being sincerely eternally grateful is really doing whatever your Saviour asks you to do and not doing whatever He asks you not to do.
And in this way, I fall short of the Glory of God. I say I love Him, but do I really love Him most? If I do then why can't I honour Him in my ways. I can't even say 'to God be the Glory' because I have nothing to boast about. I hardly even pray nowadays. And when I do, it's because I want something. And I hate myself for that. And the worst part? I don't know how to stop. And maybe I'll only be satisfied once my life is sufficiently screwed up and I end up killing myself.
[Physical aspect] I've grown a little taller, grown ad little fitter - I finally got my perfect score for Physical Fitness Test! :D and maintained my weight, although I'm sure to have put on weight during this holiday season sigh. I've chopped off my hair (I've never had short hair since P6 haha) and regret it now. Other than that, pretty much the same Priscilla you see.
[Emotional aspect] Okay I don't know if I'm more or less emo than last year, but I think I cried a lot more this year than last :( And I'm sorry to all my friends who have seen me in such a pathetic state- suddenly crying in front of them when they say something, calling them up in tears because I needed them so badly, seeing me be so quiet all of a sudden, losing weight and falling sick and I didn't know how to stop, until even my form teacher asked me if I was alright. Goodness. Sorry for losing my cool, shouting at you guys, losing my faith and falling from grace until I wanted to kill myself etc, I'm so sorry you had to see me like that and feel so helpless, but I'm so thankful you guys never gave up on me. *Hugss* Now I don't cry so easily anymore because I know nothing will ever come close to what I've been through. So it's a bittersweet lesson heh. I don't keep a diary anymore because I don't want to remember what I do, and that's why I guess blogging is in a way, my diary now heh.
[Social aspect] I've probably made less friends than I did last year (I thinkkk) okay I think more, but less than 2-3 years ago. But it doesn't really matter does it? It's how many friends you've manged to keep, and to how many people have you been a friend to :)
School I've actually stuck to a group of friends for the WHOLE year. SO hoorah to me because believe me, I don't think I've actually done that haha. Like recess group-wise haha. To APRIL, CHERYL SEAH, GISELLE, NICOLE HENG, I love you guys so much! Thank you for keeping my company in and out of school, for keeping my deepest not-so-darkest secrets and for catching me when I fall. To my classmates in 3E I never thought I'd love this class so much. Seeyue is still my best friend and I'm so so so so thankful for that. Even though we're not as close, she knows me inside out and when we see each other we just click, not that we have to make up for lost time, but as if we were never out of touch in the first place. I've also made new friends like my DINNERTABLEGANG hoho China was so damn damn fun. And also a much needed break heh.
Church After being appointed evangelism head, I've had the opportunity to work with the YF comm and got to know Jiayi, Isaac Ee and Isaac Liu and Joel Tang better and Sunday School was mixed. (sec3&4, boys and girls) so that was quite funny and I got to know Amelia and Daniel much better this year haha. As for Angelalalala, I already know her inside out ;)
Outside these two I've made new friends, lost old friends, kept some, and it's weird how closely connected we all are. So this year I got acquainted with Daniel Tan Susheelan (is that really your name?!), Andrew Fok, Gavin, Vanzeeeno Lee, Twinkle, Valerie, Stephenie and that's about it. Haha that's pathetic. I've come to a point where sometimes I want more friends but I realise I don't really need more friends because I have enough. After all, you can't pour your secrets to 25 friends right? If a new friend comes along, that's good. If not, I'll try not to let it bother me.
To Gerald and Ziteng: Please call me next time instead of always asking me to call you because I'll be so busy studying! (I hope) and I don't wanna lose touch with all of you guys! I miss those conference calls with you guys and Monica :( To Ryan: DOH! I don't talk to you as much as I used to and it's quite sad. BUT I hope we don't lose touch okay! To Luke: Please stop asking me to buy you CDs/caps because I'm not made of money and you're richer than me by the way To Twin: Thank you so much for all you've done! LOVEEEEEEE YOUUU!!
AND AND AND this year I finally saw Swong after not meeting up for like THREE YEARS. Haha.
On a sad note, I'm quite sad I lost touch with a few people, name Asriel and I kinda miss him heh. I miss the times when we were such good friends and could talk about anything and everything. I'm sorry I let this whole friendship thing go to waste, I really am. If you see this, could you please contact me (call/sms/msn/email whatever). I want to talk to you again. I want you to be my friend (not just an acquaintance) again. I want to laugh with you again and mostly, I want to keep my promise of being friends forever. I can't look for you because I'm too ashamed to talk to you. I wasn't a very good friend and you probably deserve better friends than me. But I"m selfish. I want an uncle I can talk to, that will listen to all my rubbish. I miss having you as a friend, but I'm not sure if you feel the same way. Forgive me, for being such a horrible friend. And I hope you're willing to give this friendship thing another go. But if you don't, I fully understand why, and I won't blame you. I've thought about it and I realise that I don't want to lose a friend like you. I sound so lame, but please be my friend again.
I don't think I'm gonna have much of a social life next year. Screw O levels man.
[Relationship aspect] I've grown closer to my family so that's a good thing, although my brother can still very much be a pain in the ass and my mum can be really PMSy urgh. But at the end of the day I love my siblings because I know we've got each other's backs. And this year I learnt that we can choose our friends and change them, but we can't choose of change our family, so we might as well make the best of out it.
As for bgrs, I'll just be honest and say, yes I've had one this year. It didn't end particularly well, though I'd rather it didn't end, but given things the way they are, I don't blame you for anything, and I don't regret anything. I just wish loving you was enough. That said, I wish you all the best in life, may you find the girl that you will truly love for the rest of your life.. Thank you for those moments we've had, thank you for giving me the time of my life and an experience I'll never forget. And thank you, for letting me be a part of your life.
[Musical aspect] So this year I failed my piano exam (oh well) and gave up guitar. Handbells I probably made history by being the only vice chairman not promoted to chair (except Monica haha). BUT. I don't really regret. I mean ringing wise, I may be the best (haha yes I'm shameless but it's the only thing I'm good at haha so be nice to be and don't judge me) and it was always my dream of becoming president, becoming like my sister. But hardly anyone has a dream come true right? (Katie Holmes is rubbish, I swear) and I know I'll never be as dedicated/committed to handbells as Tiffany is, and her enthusiasm just makes her shine so much more than me. (see? I told you not to judge me) and I sincerely believe that even thoug hte post could be mine, you, and the whole choir, myself included, would benefit more and me better off having you as our lovely chairman. And you made history too! But being the only chairman without having and committee position haha :) No hard feelings, and I wish you all the best! :)
That aside, HANDBELLS GOT A FREAKING GOLD FOR SYF! That THAT! All you skeptics- whoops, that's me haha. And 0607 choir was definitely a choir I'll miss. Then again, 0708 will be pretty much the same.
radio Since p4, I don't think I've ever listened to so little radio in a year. And I don't regret. Because radio's overrated and the best music is hardly ever found on radio. Singapore radio, that is. And to all those shallow people who only listen to radio and won't like a song unless it gets radio airplay, widen your views a little please. Yes, radio's nice, but why settle for 'nice' when you can have 'nicer'? Go find some bands and listen to them, and when you find someone else who listens to the same unique band as you, the feeling of elation is beyond words :)
CDs I've bought more CDs this year I think. 1. Hanakimi (but that's a birthday gift) 2. Last Winter (my dad paid haha) 3. COPELAND 4. Dashboard Confessional (But that's a gift too) 5. Jack's Mannequin (but that's a gift for a friend bahh I still paid alright!) 6. Rachael Yamagata (IT'S AUTOGRAPHED!) 7. Lost Prophets (But that's a gift too hahaha) 8. New Found Glory (it's quite dumb cos I borrowed Nate's and like the lyric booklet so I bought one anyway haha)
That's about it I think. Okay that's rather little. I've burnt some but ended up giving them away sigh, borrowed and ripped a few from Nathan [Acceptance, The Ataris, New Found Glory, Run Kid Run..I'm sure there's more but I can't remember], my brother's [Avril Lagivne, FOB, Corinne May] my sister's other weird weird stuff. And downloaded a lot OOPS. [All Time Low, Amber Pacific, Blue October, Plainsunset, dashboard Confessional, Daphne Loves Derby, The Perishers, The Postal Service, Rooster, 30 Seconds to Mars, Boys Like Girls, Making April, Secondhand Serenade] SAM'S BAND consisting [Paramore, Taking Back Sunday, The Academy Is...,Waking Ashland, Cute Is What We Aim For, Armor for sleep, The Early November, Anberlin, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and many many more] And all these are FULL albums, I'm not even talking about misc songs from other bands haha!
Found out more about the wonder of PureVolume and Lastfm and Multiply. So yes, this year has been a very good alternative music haul.
I'm pretty much about done with my evaluation thing, (whew!) and I had no time to write down my top 10s. But if I have time, I'll probably do a top 10 days of the year, photos of the year I guess. Events of the year haha.
Alright tuition calls (sigh), BYE! And have a fun-filled-Jesus-Centered New year! :)
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Date Created: 160208
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